⚡ BREAKING ⚡

★ BREAKING: Pan Kids Three Weeks Out, Drake Spotted at Mall Food Court for Fourth Consecutive Day ★★ Coach Announces Extra Training Sessions; Drake Announces He Is 'So Busy Right Now' ★★ Local Teen Answers Question From Parent; Full Syllable Recorded ★★ Area 14-Year-Old Explains Anime Plot for 45 Minutes to Family That Asked About His Day ★★ Report: Fridge Restocked at Noon, Declared 'Basically Empty' by 4 PM ★★ Drake Cites 'Recovery Day' for Sixth Straight Day; Investigators Unable to Locate Original Workout ★★ Father Notes Hatsune Miku Is Software; Drake Responds With Slideshow ★★ Straight-A Report Card Delivered to Family in Monosyllables ★★ Drake's Friends Confirm He Talks; Family Demands Evidence ★★ Tournament Registration Confirmed; Training Status Listed as 'He'll Figure It Out' ★

★ BREAKING: Pan Kids Three Weeks Out, Drake Spotted at Mall Food Court for Fourth Consecutive Day ★★ Coach Announces Extra Training Sessions; Drake Announces He Is 'So Busy Right Now' ★★ Local Teen Answers Question From Parent; Full Syllable Recorded ★★ Area 14-Year-Old Explains Anime Plot for 45 Minutes to Family That Asked About His Day ★★ Report: Fridge Restocked at Noon, Declared 'Basically Empty' by 4 PM ★★ Drake Cites 'Recovery Day' for Sixth Straight Day; Investigators Unable to Locate Original Workout ★★ Father Notes Hatsune Miku Is Software; Drake Responds With Slideshow ★★ Straight-A Report Card Delivered to Family in Monosyllables ★★ Drake's Friends Confirm He Talks; Family Demands Evidence ★★ Tournament Registration Confirmed; Training Status Listed as 'He'll Figure It Out' ★

JOIN THE FAN CLUB

Choose your level of devotion to Drake

BRONZE FAN

FREE

★ Weekly updates on the Pan Kids training count (currently zero)
★ Access to Drake's one-syllable phrasebook, all four entries
★ 'I asked Drake about anime and survived' digital badge
★ 10% discount on Rest Day Calendars

SILVER SUPERFAN

$10/month

★ All Bronze benefits PLUS
★ Live alerts when Drake replies to the group chat (constant) and the coach (never)
★ The Miku Defense Pamphlet, abridged edition
★ Second-dinner noodle recipes, family tested

MOST POPULAR*

GOLD ELITE

$100/month

★ All Silver benefits PLUS
★ VIP access to report card reveals, narrated in full sentences by someone else
★ Quarterly footage of Drake locating his gi (footage pending since March)
★ One verified recording of Drake using a fifth syllable

PLATINUM WHALE

$10,000/month

★ All Gold benefits PLUS
★ Drake will watch one episode of an anime YOU pick and rate it 'mid'
★ A personal invitation to a practice Drake also said he'd attend
★ Written confirmation that Drake has been told your name ('k')
★ Golden 'It's Fine' commemorative plaque

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Does Drake know this fan club exists?

A: The website contains more than four syllables, so he hasn't read it. We operate freely.

Q: Is Drake going to train before Pan Kids?

A: His coach believes so. His calendar disagrees. Drake's official statement: 'I'll be fine.'

Q: How does Drake get straight A's while communicating in monosyllables?

A: Teachers report a fully verbal, thoughtful student. We have asked them to send that Drake home. Negotiations continue.

Q: Is Hatsune Miku real?

A: Legally, no. In this house the question has started three separate hour-long debates, so ask carefully.

Q: Does Drake still play cello?

A: Thirty minutes a day, as negotiated. He hums anime openings for the other fifteen waking hours.

*"Most Popular" claim based on absolutely no data whatsoever