ABOUT DRAKE
The Legend. The Myth. The One Who's "Almost Ready."
OFFICIAL BIOGRAPHY
Drake is fourteen. He maintains a 4.0 GPA, a two-dinner-per-dinner schedule, and a daily conversational output of about four syllables, all of which are "fine."
He has trained in wrestling and Brazilian jiu jitsu for years and is registered for the Pan Kids championship - a fact his coach thinks about constantly and Drake thinks about never. His preparation strategy combines mall food courts, group chats, and the phrase "I'll be fine." Optional practices remain, in his words, optional.
Recently Drake discovered anime, and the household has not recovered. He watches hundreds of episodes a month, hums the openings during cello practice, and once explained a fictional tournament bracket for forty-five minutes to a family that had asked how school went. He is also the internet's most dedicated defender of Hatsune Miku. His father has pointed out, once, that she is software. The resulting lecture had cited sources.
His friends describe him as loud, funny, and impossible to shut up. His family has never observed this Drake and considers the reports apocryphal. Teachers confirm he is articulate and hardworking. The gap between school Drake and home Drake ("hm") remains one of science's quieter mysteries.
He still eats like the kitchen owes him money. The fridge is restocked at noon and declared "basically empty" by four.
ACHIEVEMENTS & AWARDS
HISTORIC TIMELINE
Drake enters the world. Nurses note that he seems unbothered.
Drake discovers wrestling. The family discovers weekend tournaments.
Drake and the cello reach a mutual understanding: thirty minutes a day, not a minute more.
First perfect report card. Asked how he did it, Drake says 'idk.' This remains the only explanation ever offered.
Drake starts Brazilian jiu jitsu and attends every practice, back when attending practices was still a thing he did.
The family begins budgeting groceries as a line item with its own contingency fund.
This website goes live. Drake has never mentioned it. We assume he hasn't read anything this long.
Drake discovers anime. Conversation at home drops 60 percent; conversation about fictional tournaments rises 400 percent. A real tournament approaches, unwatched.